You glossed over an important step, Bob. "So no matter what the conflict entails, your starting point is to recognize what you want from it and to recognize that it's perfectly okay for you to want it." You have to do more than recognize what you want, you have to be confident in it.

Here's an example from my college days: I worked at a bar for a couple of years. On weekends, we'd have someone at the door checking ID. There were plenty of people who tried to talk their way in without any.

One night the regular doorman was late, and I covered for him. The first girl who showed up without ID smiled, batted her eyelashes and asked "pretty please?" I said something like, "Gee, I really wish I could, but rules are rules, etc." She argued, I refused, she got mad ... I'd like to chalk my behavior up to my youth and her smile, but the bottom line is I didn't project confidence in what I wanted.

The next girl who showed up without ID (for some reason guys never tried this with me, I don't know why) I just told her I needed ID or she couldn't get in, sorry. She threw a quick pout, then left to find someplace else she could get into.

As I thought about this later I realized the first girl wasn't mad because she wasn't allowed in. She was mad because I gave the impression I might be open to negotiation but I wasn't.

Moral of the story: Know which of your goals are negotiable and which ones aren't. Never give the impression that one of the former might be one of the latter. Reasonable people can respect an honest difference of opinion, but will read indecisiveness as an opportunity to negotiate.

Bob,

Helpful advice. I agree very much w/ your suggestions and Drew's. I made a response on my blog, just taking a different perspective (gender). Would be curious your thoughts.

best,
st

I see a number of good intellectual suggestions, but they may not help. If Bibliophile is as book-oriented as the request indicates, he may have the same problem I do. I'm not assertive, my negotiation skills are pathetic, and conflict shuts me down completely.

I've read a lot of "how-to" articles, books, etc. on being more assertive, to no avail. and others have told me how to be more assertive in a situation - no good. Why? Because when I'm in the situation requiring assertiveness, I'm in a 'deer in the headlights' mode. I can't remember a single thing I've read, or advice people have offered. By the time I remember, it's WAY too late to help. And all the 'next time I'll do better' thinking doesn't happen.

Like any other skill, I think assertiveness takes practice, and decades of not being assertive aren't resolved by a book or 'just do it' advice. And I'm still looking for a safe place to practice conflict resolution, assertiveness (and negotiation for that matter). I know without it, I'm limited.

If I do find a solution (assertiveness seminar or ??), I'll be happy to pass it on - I've been looking for several months.

Paul

The best book on assertiveness (yes, I did read that you think they need to learn to negotiate) is "When I say no, I feel guilty". Sometimes it is not just a matter of knowing what you want, but realizing that you are being used and/or abused. The book is chock-a-block full of techniques that actually work pretty well, even in those emotionally charged unavoidable situations. I am, officially, now the only one of my siblings who is speaking to my mother, because of the techniques learned. For better or worse, the lines of communication have been able to be kept open because of the assertiveness and boundary setting learned from that book. Negotiating with some people is not an option. Walking away from them is not always the best option. Assertiveness training just gives some technique that can be used in the negotiation (or non) process.

Try the book "7 Habits of Highly Effective People", by Stephen Covey. It handles both assertiveness and negotiating techniques (so a double bonus), as well as a number of other techniques/habits that successfull people use. Covey went around and interviewed thousands of 'successfull' people in all walks of life, analyzed the results, and concluded that most successful people practice 7 habits that lead to their success. It's a good book, backed by impirical data, and it makes a lot of sense.

To begin to be assertive first be observant. Be aware of what the person is saying and doing. Be aware of the situation. Be aware of what and how things are happening.

Be self aware. Do this first. You might be getting run over now, and you might still get run over but learn in this period.

Then you will start to build confidence that you can see the flaws in their position AND your appropriate response. At this point assert your position with confidence.

Fake it if you have to early in this process. It will become natural in a short while. Remember your response does not have to be quick, it just has to be effective.